change

somehow i'm barely excited for the cambodia trip. i dread the freaking idea of packing my lagguage and there are like so many things that i haven't bought! and i'm flying in like 18 hours time. aiyah super can't be bothered.
haha rmb how i used to be excited over all the little trips during sec school time! even going m'sia for some stupid NP stuff gets me super excited. Now i'm like yah... me goin cambodia tmr. that's it. no exclaimation mark. mayb after awhile travelling overseas is just another thing. taking plane will be like taking bus...
haha i seriously think i'm taking things very much for granted now. wanna buy, buy. I'll tink about it but i know in the end i'll still end up buying those things that i want. less cravings coz it's very much satisfied without much await. it somehow makes me forget the little surprises that i get from people and how I yearn so much for something. just ten years back. okie not realli 'just' but anyway ten years back. my siblings and I were so excited when we got pokky for x'mas present from our parents! mind you. it's pokky! those sticks which cost like 1 buck now. i tink it was onli 50cents then. it was i tink our first x'mas present and we were all so happy! although papa was earning like freaking little last time (the amount i can get fr my tuition last term) we were so easily satisfied. now it is no longer the case. pokky sticks lie on the table and i usually dun even bother to take a second look.
even macDonald's. it used to be a WAH thing for me coz i only eat it like once every three mths. and slowly, during NP times, we eat it like every other week. and now i choose not even to eat it. how things change over the years. sometimes i wonder if i actually miss those times or i'm happier now since my needs are more easily satisfied. i'm definitely less motivated now. less thrifty, less appreciative, and mayb less sympetatic (okie i dunno how to spell). scary in a way. i can't find anything to motivate myself anymore. the only thing that is keeping me moving is just the fear to fail. haha i use to reward myself just using a chocolate bar. and ya, that was considered expensive to me when i was younger. i'll scrimp and save and ONLY buy it when i do well. now ... even though i say i wanna reward myself with something. even if i dun achieve my goal, i'll still get that something for myself. and some times i tink when i really feel like shopping. i can be quite scary..
i can't see how i'll be in the future. but i seriously hope that i will rmb that i was once someone who smile at the slighest goodness around me...
.
hopefully the cambodia trip will do me good. hopefully i'll learn something from it